ACT 1 – Laughter is the Best Medicine
Once upon a time in the not too distant future…
Cue to audible sounds of tickertape, frantic keyboard noises, and shouting: “Tick, tick, tickety-tick, click, click, clickety-click, yack, yack, yackety-yack: “HEY, BRUCE!” “YEAH, WHAT DOYA NEED JIMBO?” “I SAID TO THE LEFT, YOURE OTHER LEFT!” “AH, OKAY!” “Asshole!”
The camera pans to give us a glimpse of a very hectic and frenetic group of people, some standing, some seated, most all of them in a frenzied state, their desks heaped with computer equipment, littered with papers, coffee cups, and ashtrays with butts of everything in them. What we are seeing is an energetic newsroom, broadcasting daily the “news” or, at least, what passes for the “news” these days, seen in its rawest form. Among the throng, one brave soul manages to elevate himself above the hoards below, and screams into a logoed megaphone:
“WE ARE LIVE/OR DEAD IN TEN…NINE…EIGHT…SEVEN…”
Camera pans in for a closeup of two, very thirtyish and stylish T.V. anchors. Just as Chad, dressed in a tailored and very expensive looking suit, which is not surprising. What is surprising, however, is that it looks eerily familiar to something worn by news anchors more than fifty years ago. Doing his best to represent the studio’s “macho” broadcast element, he touches his left ear earpiece as if receiving an important message…
“C’mon Chad, you can do it. Simply read what’s in front of you on the bold printed cue card:” And now for our live feed inside WTFN studios’ exclusive presentation of… THE DEBATE. “Remember, this is an IMPORTANT EVENT.”
Chad opens his mouth and begins to talk in the most pathetic and wimpy tone imaginable…
“… We take you live for, uh the debate.” Finger to earpiece…
“That was fantastic Chad, my 20-month-old granddaughter couldn’t have said it better.”
Meanwhile, Chad’s partner in crime, Steph, sits demurely provocative, in a breathtaking strapless, sleeveless, seemingly fabric-less, Prada, creation, painstakingly crafted, expressly for this evening by senior designer, Luigi “F.” The stunning dress is complimented with Cartier’s signature, “I Am Fabulous, You Are Not, Collection,” with enough carats to keep Bugs Bunny in the pink. She looks over at Chad with a hint of a sparkle in her eye and mouths the following silently at him …
“You fuckin’ moron. Could you be a little more emotive? Sorry, I guess not, you huge piece of…”
…before turning to her microphone and smiling, oozing syrupy haughtiness and says:
“Yes Chad, you got that right… finally.” The DEBATE we have all been waiting for; Donald Trump versus Kamala Harris. It is sure to be a “HUMDINGER FOLKS!”
Steph touches her earpiece…
“Humdinger … folks,” and in bold and caps no less! Are you fuckin’ kidding me? What is this, the 1900s? Who are you?”
“We now take you live…”
ACT 2 – More Laughter is Even Better Medicine
Announcer’s baritone voice:
“Ladies and gentlemen, if I could have your attention…thank you…over there…thank you…now pointing, and there…thank you. I would like a round of applause for our participants in this evening’s massacre…ah, I mean debate. Center stage looking very dapper, despite his age, is Dan Rather, making a rare post-retirement television appearance after patching things up with WTFN executives…well after, throwing a hissy fit anyway, our illustrious, well-informed, loquacious, and impassioned, referee, ah moderator, for this evening’s debacle, I mean debate. Seated to his immediate left, well you know, his only left, is someone that needs little or no introduction, the one-and-only… touching his earpiece…
“Careful with the ad-libs, buddy, there are people watching this, and many of them are armed.”
… former President of the United States, Mr. Donald Trump. To Mr. Rather’s right is the honorable and current Vice President, Ms. Kamala Harris, who has, for this evening, eschewed her normal business-suit attire for something a little more, shall I dare say, risqué… Hang on… I’ve just been informed that she is wearing a Carolina Herrera plunging floral print ruffle cape gown, in shell pink.”
Both the live and television audiences can clearly see that the dress has certainly gotten the attention of not only the former President, who has this rather strange look on his face, but that look is being overshadowed by the rage and disgust on the former First Lady’s face. The camera operator, unable to contain him/herself, pans quickly to news anchor Steph, who has an absolutely apoplectic look on her face, because Harris’s outfit makes her Prada getup look like something purchased from the remainder bin at Filene’s Basement. The camera swings back to Mr. Rather, who taps his microphone so loudly that the audience bolts out of their seats.
“Is this thing on?” Right. Okay. Good evening, everyone. Before we begin, I would like to reiterate… he touches his earpiece…
“Nice big word there Dan, but remember what we told you at this morning’s briefing, K.I.S.S. language – ‘keep it simple stupid’ – Got it? Good.”
“Okay, I would like to remind everyone of tonight’s rules…ah, guidelines…ah, kind of suggestions for tonight’s debate:”
- Each participant will have two minutes to raise an issue, make a point, make clear their position, or debase one another with vitriol. (Like they do on “Trolling For Dollars,” seen on this very network, every Tuesday night at 11PM, just after the nightly national and regional fake news).
- As was previously agreed upon by both participants, and to the chagrin of everyone else, all microphones will be “live” for the entire debate, even when the other is speaking. Each has been warned not to interrupt the other during their respective two minutes. We expect the participant’s full cooperation on this matter. (We also expect that it will all come crashing down after about 30 seconds.)
- Foul language, name calling, insulting remarks about appearance, immediate family, friends, and views are strictly prohibited. (We give that one about 15 seconds.)
- The moderator, at his discretion, can silence microphones if, at any time during the proceedings, he feels as though things have gotten out of hand. (Firstly, it is an absolute given that “things” WILL get out of hand. Secondly, it is an absolute given that I will in no way be able to navigate the complex sound system set-up in front of me – three toggle switches labelled on/off – one in the middle, one on the left, no, my other left, and one on the right).
“Mr. Trump, are you ready?”
Trump: “Yes. And I would just like to say…”
Harris: “Nobody cares about what you have to say. . .
Trump: “Dan, make her stop interrupting me. After all, I am…
Harris: “Yes please, tell everyone who you are, as if we all don’t already…
Rather: “Well, I promised my great grandchildren I wouldn’t do this, but you both need to settle the fuck down.” Please Ms. Harris, let Mr. Trump finish his answer to the “are you ready?” question.
Trump: “Thank you Dan. Now where was I? Right, so… just to be very clear…because above all else… the right to be in this country comes with… can you believe she said that?…this country… the greatest country in the world…has problems… I can fix them…because I am… why do you think they want to come here?… those people… from shithole countries… I am first and foremost a family man…”
One of the camera persons is finally shaken out his stupor by the flailing arms of the guy holding up Trump’s cue cards, just as he flings them to the ground stomping out of the building, to the audience’s great amusement. Rather is looking like he would prefer to be at a three-hour talk on senility and how to avoid it, and Harris is posing for the crowd, happy to let “Mr. Off-Script” just ramble on making absolutely no sense whatsoever, which happens just about every time he opens his mouth. However, she can sense the restlessness of the audience, so she coughs politely…
Harris: “A family man? You must have a very loose definition of that word. As fascinating as all this is, why don’t you tell us a bit about you “foreign” policy? You know, how you like to “label” anyone who wasn’t born in this country as foreigners. Like, what you say about those from across our southern border – rapists, murders… nasty people, or the people across our northern border – terrible trade cheaters…
Trump: “They are all trying to tear this country apart… I have never seen anything like what is happening… To be honest …
Harris: “Puh-lease.” Don’t use words you don’t unders…
Trump: “… I have many concerns about women’s rights…”
Harris: “What? You were talking about “they” trying to tear us…
Trump: “I know this is complicated stuff, especially for a Vice President, not a former President like mysel…
Rather: “And this seems like the perfect time to break for a commercial.”
Announcer: “And now a word from the only company willing to sponsor this debate, Pfizer Commercial Healthcare, the makers of Super Extra Strength “Debate” Advil,” designed especially to combat that pounding between your ears from what you’ve just listened to. They are now yours for the paltry sum of just $149.99 for two tablets, because we know that people would pay twice that much for just one right about now. And now back to you Dan… Dan?”
As the camera person slowly pans the camera to the debate floor, we can see that there are “security” people from both sides everywhere. At the center of the melee is Harris’s chief of security, Bernie Sanders, wearing his signature mittens, which he has somehow fitted with brass knuckles, and Trump’s chief thug, Hulk Hogan, ripping the shirt from his massive chest while grunting, presumably because of the effort it took to rip off his shirt. The camera then shifts to the extreme, right or left, take you pick, to a visibly shaken Rather, now ensconced in a bullet-proof cylinder. Finally noticing the camera is aimed at him he mutters…
“I’m too old for this shit! Well folks, the debate has come to an unfortunate and chaotic end, but the candidates have agreed to a second and hopefully more civil debate. However, this time the candidates will be in studios at opposite ends of the country, and at this time a search for a moderator has been started, with letters of invitation being sent to convicts from all the major jails across the country. It is just WTFN’s way of saying…
And they lived happily ever after…
THE END.
Los Angeles 2024
Did this come to you in a dream or are you pulling a Nostradamus? It’s all sounding very prophetic!
Would you buy dream state? More like Nostradumbass, that song by “The Good The Bad and the and The Zugly!” I wish I was making this song up, but I’m not. We shall see, but so far it’s mics off, so disappointing, because if they were on, I’d be watching, and I would end up with enough material for a couple of years!
I haven’t been paying too much attention lately, we’re on grandson #2 watch!
When is the arrival date? Ours is Dec.1.
If it doesn’t pop before she’ll be induced on September 9, at 330am!
Pretty funny North. I sure hope their debate goes a bit more smoothly than this!
Well you know what they say? Everyone’s allowed one fantasy per day!😂
Poor Dan Rather. Your fantasy could give him a heart attack! This is hilarious. Trump will be Trump, angry, pandering, inarticulate, declaring himself the winner no matter what happens (even though I think he’s scared shitless). If only Kamala could say what she really is thinking, but I’m pretty sure she won’t take shit from him, in the most polite and appropriate way.
Glad you liked it. To be honest, I was surprised Rather is still around! She will definitely not take any shit from him. The problem, one of countless ones, is that all he’s got is shot to say, so it will not be a debate in the true sense of that word, just a “shit show.”
I agree. He has nothing to say except lies, invectives, and generally stupid shit. In another world, I might feel sorry for him. Not this one. He’s already done too much damage and, I fear, he’s not done yet.