‘Breaking The Seal,’ Revisited!

I know what you’re thinking. . .okay, maybe I don’t. Not to worry, all will be revealed eventually, so to speak. I was reading again last night, reading stuff about foreign aid, which led me to read about the US government and the war between Israel and Hamas, which led me to read about the new House speaker, which led me to read about Trump, all of which would normally lead me to drinking heavily, and this being a very short piece. But that is not what happened. Sorry.

The first article I read leading me down the black, potholed, brick road was about how Americans don’t understand foreign aid and the responses a reporter from The Washington Post got when he was sent to a local diner in Shreveport, Louisiana to talk to local voters about the government’s sending of foreign aid money to both the Ukraine and Israel. As many of you are no doubt aware, Shreveport, Louisiana is the district of new House speaker, Mike Johnson. The article goes on to inform us that, as luck would have it, one of the locals in the diner that evening was none other than Mike Johnson’s mother, who had this to say about her son’s ascendancy to House speaker: “God did this.”

The gist of Tom Nichol’s rant (The Atlantic, October 30, 2023) is that the media shouldn’t be sending reporters to diners to ask about foreign aid. Why? Because, as Nichols frames it: “Populists who demand that we rely on guidance from The People should remember that most Americans think foreign aid should be about 10 percent of the budget—a percentage those voters think would be a reduction but would actually be a massive increase,” because as of right now foreign aid is only 1% of the total US budget. Quoting a patron of the diner from the Post piece, Nichols writes: “People really do look at the funding we’re sending to Israel and Ukraine and say, ‘I can’t afford to go to Kroger.’  “A lot of these customers know Mike Johnson and think we often get overlooked and maybe we won’t anymore.” As of today, Mitch McConnell and Johnson are set to square off on this topic, which might lead to yet another budget showdown. Welcome to American politics in the age of dis-Enlightenment!

After reading the above and the rest of the article, the urge to make a dash to the liquor cabinet was overwhelming, but I resisted. Yes I know, sainthood should be in my future. Instead, I read more. I read about Johnson, I read about the war and the impact it is having all around the world, I read about Trump and his four-ring-circus trials; because it’s Trump and three rings will just not cut it. And after each read, the urge to pour alcohol down my gullet got stronger and stronger, but I resisted. Instead, I chuckled (not an easy thing to do after reading all this crap) and thought about what would happen if I had succumbed to the alcohol urge, again, and again, which is that I would spend most of the evening going to the john to relieve myself because, as you know, once you “break the seal…”

The first time I heard this expression, I had just turned 18 and was in a tavern with a bunch of friends drinking beer. If you are confused by this, in Canada, where I was born, the drinking age is 19, unless you’re from Quebec like me and it’s 18. Thank you, Mom and Dad! Here in the US, you can vote at 18, thanks to the 26^th amendment, you can buy a gun at 18 thanks to the Gun Control Act (GCA), and you can join the military and go die for your country, but you cannot drink until you’re 21 because according to the Centers for Disease, Control and Prevention (CDC), it saves lives. The irony here is absolutely dumbfounding. You can actually join the military at 17 with parental consent; so, my advice is: Be a good kid!

I can’t remember if I ever believed the whole “breaking the seal” nonsense, but over the years I sure heard it a lot, usually followed by peals of laughter as I dutifully trotted off to the john. It stands to reason that the urge to relieve yourself after drinking copious amounts of liquid is going to increase exponentially. However, drinking water and drinking alcohol are two very different things, as alcohol acts as a diuretic. To corroborate my thoughts, I looked it up this morning, and sure enough, all the sites I looked at talked about the myth of “breaking the seal,” all backed by this urologist and the next. All that is, except one. According to urologist Peter Chin, speaking to The New York Post (red flag #1), breaking the seal “is a very real thing.” All I can say about this is, think twice before getting your medical advice online.

Then it hit me. Perhaps there should be such a thing as “breaking the verbal seal.” This seal could be a mandatory implant for all politicians, religious leaders, and anyone else in a position of influence over a large swath of humanity. The seal could be programmed to work in a kind of reverse way to the mythical urological seal in that, as soon as any of the above say something stupid, racist, sexist, untruthful, deranged, or all of these, perhaps in one sentence, the seal swaddles itself around the voice box rendering that person mute for, let’s say a week for the first offense, two weeks after the second and, in keeping with “three strikes you’re out,” forever after the third time. Just think about it. Trump would have been mute a week after he was elected! Hey, everybody is entitled to one fantasy per day. I guess I just used up mine.

Los Angeles 2023