Once Upon A Time…(F)

“Good evening. Welcome to Box News’s [Box News: “If it’s “facts” you want, think outside the Box!”] Evening Update for this Wednesday, November 2, 2033, I’m your host Shane Yannit. Top stories we are following tonight: Melon Suk’s recent purchase of Amazon; Zoff Jebes’s recent purchase of Earth; The Supreme Court’s decision to not make any more decisions; and of course, the top story of the day, coverage of the first day of President Ivanka Trump’s (IT) trial for sedition. But first, we have a special report from Carlos Turneck, covering this unprecedented trial of a sitting President for Box News, on the “evolution” of language which, as he informs us, has had a major impact on the proceedings for this trial’s first day.”

“Good evening, Carlos.”

“Good evening, Shane.”

“We are excited to have you with us tonight after your rather long absence, for personal reasons, from the show. I guess it is kind of fitting that your first assignment back is covering the first day of President Trump’s trial, especially since your relationship with the current President’s father, former President, then ex-President, then convicted felon, went sour for reasons that are best left unsaid…” (whispering): “Was he that upset with you for paying extra attention to Animale when she was so distraught seeing her husband being escorted out of Larm-A-Goa dressed in prison-issue stripes and looking like a pregnant zebra…with triplets?  Ahem, anyway. We are very excited to hear your report on how language has evolved and, as it would appear, continues to do so, as is evident in the events that transpired today at the courthouse in downtown Manhattan. At least, according to you.

“Yes…well…thank you for that introduction, Shane…” (whispering): “You f%^%$ing piece of s&^%t. How dare you? As you are no doubt aware, (although, probably not, you uniformed wanker) my following report on language is very apropos as we were confronted, head-on, before the trial even started, with a startling example of what this report reveals, which is that language continues to not only evolve, but is also full of surprises. And I assure you, that is not the only surprise on the table tonight!

“Well, Carlos, we all love a good surprise, even me!  All of us here at Box’s futuristic, new studio in Clinton NJ and, I am sure, our hundreds maybe even a thousand viewers, can’t wait any longer for what I am sure is a scintillating report…” “Sanctimonious, overpaid, smug a-hole!” Take it away Carlos!

I am standing outside the courthouse and, as you can see behind me, the people filing out of the building all have these rather perplexed looks on the faces, as they have just witnessed something they have never seen before and are having a very difficult time processing the events that just unfolded inside courtroom number 49, which is very fitting since IT is the 49th President!

Shane, watching Carlos’s report on his teleprompter, looks over at his colleagues in the newsroom with a horrified look on his face, and blurts out: “What the fuck is he talking about? So far, there has not been one lie! Is this his surprise? Has he lost his mind? Someone get Mrs. Murdoch on the phone pronto; she must be home from school by now! I am not going to let this egotistical, deranged lunatic take this prestigious network and make it respectable. Over my dead body!” [Several of Shane’s colleagues can be heard in the background saying: “If only!”]

Well, ladies and gentlemen, I was inside that courtroom, and I know exactly why they are looking the way the do: Language. More specifically one word that was absent from this morning’s proceedings: TRUTH.

Shane: “That’s it, were doomed!

But I’m getting ahead of myself. As I am sure many of you know, language is not static, it is always changing and adapting (in all languages) to the world around it. We have words now that we did not have 50 years ago like twerking, miniskirt, Tupperware, bling, hoodie, foodie, and metrosexual, just to name a few. The biggest changes in language can usually be seen around the development of new technologies and our language being inundated with neologisms.

Shane: “Inundated with neologisms? WTF! He barely made it through community college, and now he’s pontificating (sorry G-D) like a woke professor!”

Words like googling, blog, cyberspace, cyberstalking, (cyber-anything really), webmaster, spyware, nanotechnology, mashup, app, emoticon, WiFi, and the list goes on and on. Or, in other instances, and directly related to the Internet’s entrance into our daily lives, common words that we know in one context, that now have new meanings. Words such as: bump, block, canoe, catfish, cloud, footprint, tablet, and bug have all been given new and specific meanings related to working with and on the Internet.

Rip Gransend, one of the talking heads on staff at Box, leans over in his chair and says to no one in particular: “Truth, after truth after truth after truth. He is single handedly trying to destroy us! Can’t we make this stop?”

However, one of the most startling developments in the English language, came after the 2024 election…

The entire Box news staff: ‘Oh, oh…”

when the professional sports world, seemingly having had enough with the demonizing of the words “left,” right,” and “center,” decided that any sports that used those words to indicate a player’s position on a field, or a sheet of ice (in this case “left winger,” and “right winger,”) replaced those words with “East” and “West,” essentially replacing specific locations with directions. And in their infinite wisdom, “center” became “East-North-South-West,” which is, of course, when widespread confusion swept across the entire electoral process and caused historically low turnouts for the following two elections in 2028 and 2032, mainly because most Americans wouldn’t know west from east from a hole in the ground! Soon after these changes were made in pro sports, conversations like the following began taking place:

“Excuse me sir. We’re from out of town, is there a restaurant you can recommend for lunch?”

“Why don’t you try historic Harry’s Diner? The food is amazing and it’s not too far of a walk.”

“Oh, that sounds lovely, is that east or west of here?

“How the fuck should I know? It’s over there,” pointing his finger to the right…er, I mean west/east!

Shane, face red with rage: “Is he off his meds? Why haven’t we been able to get a hold of Murdoch’s wife? What did you say? She had a detention and had to stay after school? Is it too late to talk to the big kahuna himself, or have they already started the cryogenic process? Can this day get any worse?”

Now folks, I believe that it was this momentous language shift, responsible for creating the mass confusion I mentioned before, that paved the way for what transpired today in courtroom 49. After all the formalities were taking care of, and the prosecution called its first witness, none other than Jon Exseal, that the courtroom went into shock. Exseal, dressed in all black, except for a red tie, placed his “east/west” hand on a book, raised his other “east/west” hand, as the clerk read the following: “Do you, Jon Exseal, swear to tell the ‘enchilada,’ the whole ‘enchilada,’ and nothing but the ‘enchilada,’ so help you Allah?”

The whole newsroom: “Enchilada? Allah?”

No, you heard that right. The judicial system of the United States of America has decided to remove the word “truth” from its swearing-in language. They are apparently, according to one of my reputable sources…

Shane, with a look of horror on his face: “Sources? Did that moron just say sources? Reputable sources? Is this the surprise? Box News has never used a ‘source,’ let alone a reputable one in its entire existence. We simply make shit up, pass on lies, twist information until it is unrecognizable…I need a drink. Somebody get me an allahdamn, shit, I mean goddamn drink!”

…also in the process of trying to come up with another word for “fact” as well since it is so closely related to the word “truth.” And I have to say that I can’t really blame them!

Here it comes!

During my prolonged absence from what had become an intolerable situation, I had an epiphany!

“Epiphany? Did he find someone’s Thesaurus? Allah, damn, God help us!”

And that was that nobody in the entire country knew what was “true” anymore, because everyone was lying – the politicians, the media, advertisers, our parents, our friends – and the lies just kept on coming, because once it starts it snowballs, and as the snowball gains momentum, it gets bigger, and bigger, and bigger, until no one is able to remove themselves from its path. Sure, it started slowly enough, lies and distorted “facts” making their way into our lives through social media; and then when they had had enough and started booting people off the platforms, we got Truth Social, probably the most ironic name ever imagined, and as if that weren’t enough, Suk’s recent announcement of a soon-to-be-launched TruthGPT, in itself equally ironic! Everyone at Box News, including my former self, exacerbated the situation by attaching ourselves to…No, more like shoving our heads up the asses of other liars, cheats, and wingnuts whose sole mandate was power. Power to manipulate, power to obfuscate, power to reward their cronies and, most importantly, power to do what is best for themselves! Power to represent the people of this country? I’m afraid that did not even make the list!

I mean, how else do you explain IT becoming the 49th President of the United States? Better yet, how did she get re-elected in a landslide win? Yes, part of that had to do with the dismal voter turnout, which explains how you can win an election by a “landslide” with only 28 votes out of a total 43! And you thought the previous election was bad, when only 218 people voted; a significant number because it represents the number of indictments the two candidates equally shared!

Well, I’ve taken up enough of your time. But if I may borrow a line from television history: “The truth is out there!” Goodnight.

Shane: “Has anyone seen the classifieds? Maybe MSNBC is hiring!”

The End…If only!

Los Angeles 2023

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